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I had spent a lot of time carrying a candle for him, running after him, hoping we might get back together, but by this time I had truly given up on him and had begun another serious relationship with Curtis Robb, another athlete.
At one point I was probably falling in love with Curtis, but at the same time there was a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.
We were both pretty determined about our careers. He also had a medical career and I didn’t see myself as a little homemaker, putting my career on the back burner to be able to provide the kind of back-up that a young doctor and top-class athlete needed. Neither did he see himself in a position to compromise what he was doing to make things easier for me to get where I wanted to go.
When I called to tell him that I’d won the silver medal in the world cross-country championships — easily my best performance in this event so far — he was very pleased for me but in his voice I could pick up on the frustration he felt about an injury he was struggling with at the time. Half-jokingly, he said, “Just what I need, you phoning me telling me you’ve done well when I can’t even train properly.”
By contrast, when I phoned Gary he was so pleased for me. He too had suffered enormously through injury but his joy at my performance was unqualified.
G: Just before Christmas 1996, a close friend of mine died suddenly. It was snowing outside and I just sat there, devastated. Then I found a note downstairs from Paula. It said “Gone to see the doctor”. That was her light-hearted way of referring to her boyfriend. Typical, I thought, the one person that I would have turned to in this moment was off with someone else.
I felt unbelievably alone. And I realised that you don’t appreciate what you have until you are without it. I had been complacent, even blasé, about someone who was really important to me. I was so busy searching for what I thought I wanted that I couldn’t see that what I really wanted was right there in front of me.
The situation was changing, though. Little things. I would be in the room when Curtis telephoned and would overhear the conversation. Things were a bit strained between them and she was hinting that she didn’t think they had a future. And I thought this is so sad, here I am and she has no idea how I feel. I wanted to tell her but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
People look at me and they think I am cocky. I was never cocky. But I do put on an act, put up barriers, something to hide behind because I have always been terrified of rejection. It was beyond me to work out that the worst that could happen was she would say she wasn’t interested. You’d feel terrible for weeks, months, whatever, but eventually you’d move on. I mean I could have ruined my whole life by holding back, waiting for Paula to put herself on the line for me. I felt that wasn’t a big deal for her because I was never going to reject her.
Friends started mentioning things to me. One of the lads told me how one night in the pub Gary had opened up. But I didn’t give this much credence: people say things when they have had a bit to drink. There had been plenty of opportunities for him to make his feelings known to me. I had spent a long time chasing him early on. If anything were to develop between us, this time it had to come from him.
My focus was on the 1997 world championships in Athens. A few nights before my departure Gary and I had our evening meal together at home in Loughborough. He might have had a couple of glasses of red wine. That’s how I remember it, because he began speaking in riddles and I asked him what he was trying to say. But Gary doesn’t easily open up, so I pushed him and pushed him to say exactly what was on his mind. Without much success.
G: When we got talking, I made up this cock-and-bull story about a friend who had this girl with whom he was really good friends. My friend wanted to take the relationship further but didn’t know how to go about it. So what should he do? Because I wasn’t prepared to take the risk of putting my cards on the table, that was as far as I was able to go. She asked me to explain it better and I remember thinking, “Oh shit, she actually believes I’m talking about someone else.”
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