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One of those who publicly questioned me was Stéfan L’Hermitte, a sports writer with L’Equipe. He wrote that you couldn’t trust my performances and insinuated that I doped. I am quite fluent in French, but to be certain that I had fully understood the article, I asked two French friends to read it through. For them the meaning was clear: the writer did not believe I was clean.
I was so hurt and angry, I rang him at work and tackled him about his reasons for suggesting I doped, reasons he had not mentioned in his piece. He seemed to be surprised by my phone call. All he could say was that he had the right to offer his opinion. “Yes, you do,” I said, “but in private, or by saying it is your unproven opinion. Not by writing a piece that attempts to destroy someone’s reputation and credibility without putting up one bit of evidence, not one iota of proof.”
He continued to say that as a journalist he was entitled to his view. I replied that he had no right to take away somebody’s reputation without having some basis for doing so. “I’ve laid myself open to every test available and have samples frozen so tests can be conducted in the future. Do you have a suggestion about what more I can do to satisfy your doubts?” However, I can’t allow such things to get to me and stop me doing what I enjoy doing. There comes a time when you have to switch off and concentrate solely on your training and preparation. What matters is what you know about yourself, what you think about yourself and what those closest to you think of you. Of course it affects me if somebody accuses me. No matter how many times you tell yourself you don’t care what a few idiots think, it still wounds and hurts. If I wrote an article accusing a journalist of plagiarism and did not offer any evidence to support the allegation, wouldn’t that journalist be entitled to be upset? It is the same with some chat boards. I read them and am hurt by the injustice and often outright hatred of some of the posters. It shouldn’t, but of course it does still bother me. I want to discover their identity, confront that person, reasonably discuss with them why they feel that way. Of course, that is irrational. The best thing is just not go there, not to read articles I know will hurt me. Being in the public eye and up for public dissection has certainly made me a tougher person.
There is a trade-off between the amount of time and energy you can devote to making the case for drug-free sport and the danger of it becoming a distraction and harming your career. Ultimately, during the short time I have available to make the most of my career, I want nothing to interfere with the quality of my training and recuperation, because the raison d’être of the professional athlete is to be as good as he or she can be. But sometimes I get frustrated that I haven’t pushed hard enough or devoted enough time to the anti-doping issue. Once my career is over, it will become a priority.
There are times I am angry with myself for not doing more, because it is important, especially so for young people coming into the sport. Our great sport has enriched me as a person and given me self-confidence. It pains me to think parents are saying, “But what happens if my son is offered performance- enhancing drugs?” At the 2004 Athens Olympics we saw a new attitude and much more resolve from the International Olympic Committee. We are going in the right direction, but athletes and officials need to work together. There is no doubt that it will be a long, hard fight. I believe it is a battle that can be won.
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